The fear of intimacy is a very challenging situation for many
individuals. Despite the fact that most want to experience the
fulfillment of intimacy, most have issues that result in a fear of any
type of intimacy – whether it is emotional or physical.
Throughout most of my adult life, I have always wanted to experience the act of sharing my deepest thoughts and innermost feelings with another. I secretly desired to share love, laughter and a deep level of passion with that “special someone”.
I felt that this would fulfill my soul and would take away my thoughts and feelings of loneliness that I so often experienced. However, deep down, I had a fear of the intimacy that I desired.
I had a fear of both emotional intimacy and physical intimacy – which also resulted in my fear of sex. However, I overcame these fears. Now, I want to share with my knowledge with you, so that you, too, may overcome your fear of intimacy – on all levels.
In order to effectively overcome the fear of intimacy or fear of sex, we must first understand why we experience this fear. In my personal experience with this issue, I discovered that there are two types of fears that result in these potentially devastating fears. The first is the fear of being rejected by another person. The second is the fear that is often referred to as “engulfment”.
This means that we are fearful of being controlled and losing control of who we are by allowing another to become close to us emotionally and physically. I was very perplexed by my fear of intimacy and I just could not understand why. I never really had a bad experience with sex and I never really had a bad experience with sharing my feelings or thoughts with others.
However, as I worked to overcome my fear, I discovered that it was not that I had a bad experience with others – I had an issue with myself. I was insecure. Once I realized my insecurity, I knew it was time to move past it or forever be held in the bondage that it had over me.
I had been in a few different relationships throughout my lifetime. As a result of these relationships and allowing myself to be open and close to another person, I experienced many different emotions and situations.
When it came to conflict, I nearly always reacted with behaviors that were controlling in nature. It was not because I did not want to handle conflict appropriately, I just knew no other way. I was raised in a home with a very controlling father and a very submissive mother.
My father controlled every aspect of our lives – in his own way. Even when it was obvious that HE was wrong, he made it right. Well, not really “right”, but he made it completely clear that he was always right and everyone else was wrong.
I often watched as my mother would simply agree with him and go along with it just to avoid a big argument. I never understood it. However, despite my opposition towards my father’s ways, I came to a point in my adult life where I realized that I had become my father. I still cringe in saying that, but it was the root of my fear.
When I experienced a conflict with the individuals that I was in relationships with, I often found myself feeling so insecure that I had to override them with controlling and ridiculous behaviors. For example, I would become angry, and start putting the blame on my partner. It was not at all uncommon for me to withdraw from my partner and become extremely resistant.
I know now that every single relationship that we engage in presents us with issues such as being resented, not being good enough and there is often a toss of control between the individuals. However, it was when I learned to see these behaviors in myself, that I was able to see them in others.
I realized it was not my experiences in relationships that resulted in a fear of intimacy and a fear of sex. It was my inability to handle those situations in a productive manner and to not take things so personal. Once I learned this difficult, but accurate, lesson, my fear of intimacy and my fear of sex and other types of physical intimacies started disappearing.
All too often, we go through life looking for approval of others. We are constantly allowing others to define the worth that we have as individuals. If you have a fear of intimacy, this should be stopped immediately. You should NEVER permit someone else to place a value on you.
When we push our way into the world, we are on our own. When we leave this world, we are on our own. That is a good indication that while we are living in this world we should do, experience and feel the way that we do as a result of our own thoughts, actions and behaviors.
You should define your own worth. By doing so, you will have an easier time with issues such as being intimate and even being sexually active with another individual. As you define who you are and what you are worth, you will find that you no longer need to be addicted to the approval of another.
You will no longer crave it or need it. It will just be. As a result, the fear of intimacy and the fear of sex – it will be eliminated. Once these consuming fears are eliminated from your life, you will start to experience love, intimacy and sex in a new, amazingly fulfilling way! Learn a powerful way to overcome your fear!SELF IMPROVEMENT PROGRAM › FEARS › INTIMACY